how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
