I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
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