Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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