I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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