Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Randomize
