I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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