Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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