I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
