Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
