he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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