i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
