i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
