Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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