You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
