Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
