I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
