It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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