Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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