Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
