you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
