What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
