yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
