Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
