I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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