Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
