I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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