I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
