You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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