Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
