I wish I could teleport
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
