mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
