another moral hangover. fuck.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
