Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
