I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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