Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
