Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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