hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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