Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
