I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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