bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
