i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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