i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
