got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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