Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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