NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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