and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
