my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
