I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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