The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
