stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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