did you get engaged???
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
