True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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