Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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