you didnt know i had herpes?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
